Sometimes I Dream
by CouslandSpitFire
Summary: F!Cousland/Alistair;   Sometimes she cannot keep the dreams away, she cannot help but think of how things could have been, if just one little detail were different back then. Sometimes, she cannot fend off the memories like she would like to.


Alistair finds her sitting at the campfire. The flames are casting light onto her face and with one glance he can tell, that something is different. She looks tired, more so even than after their fight with the undead in Redcliff and her decision to risk everything to maybe save a little boy. While she is sitting there, right in front of him, he cannot not help but think that she is in truth far, far away. Her gaze is unwavering and her eyes fixed on the flames. And maker, she looks so _tired_.

He is unsure what to do. Normally he would have greeted her and relieved her of her night watch. He would have joked a little, told her that she would grow to be shy of light if she kept insisting on the night watches. He would send her to bed, would watch over her sleep and make sure she got at least that. But today she is different, so he hesitates. For some moments he thinks that she hasn't even realized he is there, but then she speaks.

"Sometimes I dream", she says slowly and at first he thinks she means the darkspawn. They can both sense them, spreading over the land, restless in their movements. Vile and tainted creatures come to destroy everything. He hears the whispers even more often than she does – it isn't exactly nightmares he has, it mostly only happens when he drifts off to sleep and everything is quiet. Then he can hear their whispers and feel them spread like an infection.

"Sometimes I dream of that one night", she clarifies and it sounds so much like a confession that he wonders which night she means. There are so many nights, he realizes, she could have mean and his shoulders slump a little.

"I dream that I could not sleep or stayed up late. That night, I walk on the balustrade and look out into the night and I see how they draw closer. I can see their swords in their hands the torches they carry and I shout to the guards to close the gates, because those men are no allies. And in that dream I remember how nervous Howe was when he learnt of Duncan's presence. I remember that his excuse for his men's delay seemed so strange and that he changed his story. I especially remember the look on his face when I tell him, that I'm not interested in his son at all. And I remember the guards looking at me, before I go to bed, their eyes lingering just a bit too long. In that one dream I realize that those man are no allies. And with the gates closed, they cannot bring murder and fire and _blood_ into the castle", she says and he realized that she is not talking about their travels, but of the night Duncan conscripted her.

"Sometimes I dream and in that dream I wake up much, much sooner. I hear the footsteps outside my door and the metal of their armor and I hear Fang's deep, hateful growl. In this dream", she whispers and he almost cannot hear her, "I slay the first man that tries to open the door to Oren's and Oriana's room. I slay the second and the third and Fang _rips out the throats_ of the last one. In this dream they are still alive and I hug Owen and promise to teach him how to use a sword if he will just stay silent now and follow my orders and be a good boy. He calls me auntsie then, like he always does. In that dream it is not too late and I can bring them to that larder and they escape through the servant's passage and they are still _alive_ like I promised Fergus."

Her voice nearly breaks and the shadows under her eyes grow deeper as she let her head sink a little. Her gaze never leaves the fire and she wraps her arms around the knees drawn to her chest. He doesn't know what to do, because she seemed so far, far _away_ that he's afraid if he touches her, she will be _gone_.

"Sometimes I dream", she starts again and closes her eyes. "And when I dream I am at my father's side and I warn him from that treacherous, backstabbing dagger and he can move away just in time and the blade goes not quite so deep. It only glances off his rips and he's hurt, a little, but there is not so much blood. He calls me pup and tells me to rally the men and then he _kills_ every single one of those traitors and the guards can protect him because it is not too late and even though they are surprised, they can still put their hopes in him. In that dream his clothes are not so red and wet and he is not dying." She closes her eyes and the flames paint dancing shadows on her face. Her voice is steady, but her hands start to tremble and he can see how she hunches over.

"Sometimes I dream – and in this dream I hold on tight to my mother and don't let go of her hand. When she wants to send me away, I just don't let go and she has to come with me so that I do not stay behind. Duncan pulls me out of that chamber, that rotten, red chamber, and I pull her with me and she comes and she lives. She cries and the tears don't stop until we are far away, but she _lives_", she says and takes a deep breath. Then she is silent for many moments and he almost thinks she will not talk anymore and he hates himself for not knowing what to do.

"Sometimes I dream", he hears her whisper and almost dreads her next words. "And when I dream, I stand in that chamber and I know my father is dying, because I can smell the blood and feel the bitter tears in the back of my mouth. I stand there and I shield him and mother and she says, just like back then – 'Hush Bryce, I'll kill every bastard that comes through that door, but I won't abandon you.'" She stops then and draws in a shaky breath and she opens her eyes again.

"And I stand with them until my feet do not hold me anymore and my hands cannot hold my daggers any longer. I stand with them, I don't abandon them, I do not move a single step. I defend my father and he calls me pup just one more time. I see all their faces then. I see Aldous lying amidst all the books, the pages torn and bloody. There is Nan, facedown, the still-bleeding wound in her back. I see Roland, bracing his shoulder against the gates, granting me a few more minutes, and catch the very last glance he gives me, see duty and honor and despair. And I see Oren, so little and small and so pale. Too pale, too small. I see Oriana, blood under her finger nails, tears still on her face, her hand still stretched out towards Oren." Suddenly she looks at him and her lips tip downward as she tries to fend off the tears. "If it is a good dream, it stops there. But sometimes, sometimes I see myself fall and I see father and mother and their _blood_ seeps into my clothes, but I cannot move, I just cannot move – and I cannot _breathe_. Their warm blood seeps into my clothes and sticks to my skin and they grow so awfully pale and I-"

She only stops talking when he crushes her into an embrace, clumsy and rough. He knees right beside her and wraps his arms tightly around her, trying his best to shield her from the _world_. Her hands grab the fabric of his tunic so strongly he can hear it tear a little and he can feel her tremble against him. Carefully he pulls her closer, tucks her head under his chin and just holds her as tight as he can manage. "Breathe", he whispers against her hair and feels her shifting against him, leaning into him, moving her arms around him and hugging him back so strongly it is almost painful. "Breathe", he whispers again and presses a kiss to her brow without even realizing what he is doing. "I'm here."

He holds her until she finally starts crying and he holds her until she stops, only shortly before dawn when the flames are already dying down. "I'm here, always", he promises her, because he has nothing else to give her, only himself. He can only pray it will be enough.

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I replayed Dragon Age:Origins just recently and as always I chose the Human Noble origin, simply because it is the one that is able to fascinate me the most. There are so many possible personalities and feelings, that make you wonder about all the things never mentioned in the game and never occurring in there.

My Grey Warden for one never wanted to be a Grey Warden and give up her life. She loved her parents dearly, just as she loved Highever and all the people she got to know and live with. So when Howe betrayed them and killed and destroyed everything dear to her, that was when a Grey Warden was born. Her motivations, her decisions, many were based on what happened that night and on the promises she made and especially on the promise she made to her father. In my mind she never talked about what happened, because she simply couldn't and did not know where to start. But she never manages to forget any of it and she constantly wonders if she could not have avoided it all, she still feels as though she should have done something. In any case, that is where this little snippet came from.

I hope it is not too bad – English isn't my native language and I'm quite sure that some expressions might be off and there are mistakes. I still hope it is interesting for any of you to read and if you like it, I could publish more of the little stories I wrote down so far.

So… Comments please? =)


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